Sometimes I Cry – Journey Through Gaining Weight Back

I keep a journal of prayers / thoughts / rants / scriptures.  I reluctantly share an entry from today’s journal:

“Lord, I’m miserable!  I’ve gained back 1/2 of the 50 pounds I have lost.  I am miserable – my back hurts AGAIN, my knees hurt AGAIN, I am not sleeping well AGAIN – I hate this!  I am so ashamed that I don’t want my husband to touch me.  I am ashamed that I cannot wear any of my clothes. I’m ashamed that I don’t even know what size I am because I can’t bring myself to put on anything without an elastic waist.  I can’t even walk one lap at the stupid walking trail without tremendous effort and frustration.  This sucks!  I’ve been traking my food again very faithfully for the last month and working out more regularly and I’m constantly gaining – gained 4 stupid, stinking pounds in the past week.  And don’t even try to tell me muscle weighs more than fat – I’m taking measurements, nothing is shrinking, anywhere.  Crap – this is frustrating.  I feel the grip of this addiction around my throat crushing me – crushing my self-esteem – crushing my will.  I feel defeated.  God, I cry out to you for help.”

After writing this in my journal, I opened my Bible and devotion book to read God’s answer to my silly ranting:

“Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!” – Psalm 27:14

“God uses the discipline of waiting to teach us lessons we cannot learn any other way.  Waiting can be especially difficult when it seems as if everything in our lives is stuck at a red light, but He may be preparing a person or a situation so that when we proceed again He can work even more powerfully.  To us, waiting seems like a waste – or worse, it feels like things will never be right again.  When we have to wait, we shouldn’t just sit and fritter away the time.  We should pursue God with all our hearts, try to determine the reason God wants us to wait, and trust His goodness and timing because He is, after all, God.”                           -Excerpts from The One Year Daily Insights with Zig Ziglar and Dr. Ike Rieghard

So, I wait.  I work out, I eat right and I wait……… and sometimes I cry.