I’m ashamed to admit that since October 11 (about 4 weeks ago), I have gained 5 pounds. 😦 My workouts haven’t been as intense or regular, halloween happened (thus a house full of candy) and I entertained quite a bit (a house full of yummy homemade goodies). I am struggling with fear. The entire time I’ve been losing this weight, my mind keeps telling me “Oh, I hope I don’t gain this back.” I am very fearful. So when I got on the scale on Oct. 11 and it said 153.8 (the smallest I have been since way before our wedding day 11 years ago), I thought “Okay, I’m so close! I just hope I don’t gain it back.” See? My brain is setting me up for failure. Zig Ziglar says “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are usually right.” It’s a mind game.
Last week, I ran laps around our church gym. I made myself chant to my steps “I won’t go back, I won’t go back, I won’t go back” for 11 laps. I came home and read my journal and all my past blogs. I wont’ go back. I’m reading some of the books that had an impact on me early on in this journey. I won’t go back. I am journaling again and am finally starting to regain some self control. I won’t go back. I am haunted again by the reality that for me, this is a disease, an addiction that I must not let get the best of me. I won’t go back. When I walked by the candy bowl after halloween, I literally could not keep my hands out. I would eat 12 candies before I ever realized what I was doing. Then I would feel guilty. Then I would want more because I felt guilty. Do you see the crazy cycle? I won’t go back.
So, instead of waiting until I got back down to 153.8 again to start blogging, I decided I wanted to be open and real about this struggle. There may be someone else out there that has gained back after some loss. Granted I am pleased that it’s only a 5 pound gain. While 5 pounds is very hard to lose and it is devastating, it’s not nearly as heart breaking as having gained all 50 pounds back. Oh, I won’t go back.
We got a new DVD/VHS player this week. Ours was toast. The VHS player (we had 2 separate machines) tried to eat our friends’ movie they let us borrow. I finally bonked it on it’s head to see all the lights light up momentarily and then it died a forever death, never to be resurrected again. My husband took the thing apart and finally got the movie out of it but there were pieces all over the living room floor. I know it sounds crazy but I feel a lot like that VHS player. I am to the point of not really working (out) all that much and when I do, I don’t put forth my best effort. I feel like I need that bonk on the head – I’m at the point where that bonk can make all the lights come on again and I realize where I am and what I need to do to start working again before I die that forever death. I need to be taken apart and re-assembled. I won’t go back. That’s why I’ve gone back to the beginning. I’m taking small baby steps and making better choices. I won’t go back, I won’t go back, I won’t go back….
Please join me on this journey – I need your encouragement. Click on “Yep, I’m in. Sign me up!” to receive email updates whenever I post (and I will start blogging more regularly, about once per week). Feel free to leave comments and suggestions! I need them! God bless!