Sometimes I Cry – Journey Through Gaining Weight Back

I keep a journal of prayers / thoughts / rants / scriptures.  I reluctantly share an entry from today’s journal:

“Lord, I’m miserable!  I’ve gained back 1/2 of the 50 pounds I have lost.  I am miserable – my back hurts AGAIN, my knees hurt AGAIN, I am not sleeping well AGAIN – I hate this!  I am so ashamed that I don’t want my husband to touch me.  I am ashamed that I cannot wear any of my clothes. I’m ashamed that I don’t even know what size I am because I can’t bring myself to put on anything without an elastic waist.  I can’t even walk one lap at the stupid walking trail without tremendous effort and frustration.  This sucks!  I’ve been traking my food again very faithfully for the last month and working out more regularly and I’m constantly gaining – gained 4 stupid, stinking pounds in the past week.  And don’t even try to tell me muscle weighs more than fat – I’m taking measurements, nothing is shrinking, anywhere.  Crap – this is frustrating.  I feel the grip of this addiction around my throat crushing me – crushing my self-esteem – crushing my will.  I feel defeated.  God, I cry out to you for help.”

After writing this in my journal, I opened my Bible and devotion book to read God’s answer to my silly ranting:

“Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!” – Psalm 27:14

“God uses the discipline of waiting to teach us lessons we cannot learn any other way.  Waiting can be especially difficult when it seems as if everything in our lives is stuck at a red light, but He may be preparing a person or a situation so that when we proceed again He can work even more powerfully.  To us, waiting seems like a waste – or worse, it feels like things will never be right again.  When we have to wait, we shouldn’t just sit and fritter away the time.  We should pursue God with all our hearts, try to determine the reason God wants us to wait, and trust His goodness and timing because He is, after all, God.”                           -Excerpts from The One Year Daily Insights with Zig Ziglar and Dr. Ike Rieghard

So, I wait.  I work out, I eat right and I wait……… and sometimes I cry.

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It ain’t over, yet…

It ain’t over, yet…  🙂

Last year at this time, I was miserable.  I had so much extra weight on me.  My self esteem was suffering and I didn’t want to go through “another year” of setting the same old resolution only to get off track by mid-January and lose hope AGAIN.

This year, I was miserable because of health issues.  I’ve had a shoulder injury which has caused some excruciating pain at times and ended me up in the Emergency Room.  I’ve been sedentary since the Wednesday before Christmas and on lots of pain pills and muscle relaxers.  For about a week, I could not even wash dishes, vacuum, lift anything heavier than a fork or do laundry.  (Oh, darn, right??)  I’m realizing what a true gift my health really is.

So, here we are on New Year’s Eve, 2011.  No, I have not hit my initial goal of losing 50 pounds, in fact, over the holidays, I gained about 5 pounds and just in the past week (since the ER visit with my back) I have gained an additional 3.  I’m weighing in somewhere around 164.  So, I have a decision to make.  Do I let it get me down that I’ve gained 8-10 pounds back or do I use that as a springboard to motivate me to keep going forward with more energy and determination?  I choose the springboard.  I found this photo posted on facebook:

This is my motivation.  I haven’t made it to my goal yet but I’m not as far from it as I was this time last year.  My journey began January 18th, 2011.  It does not have an ending point, a destination of sorts.  It will be a lifelong journey for me so I’ve settled in for the long haul.  It’s not a diet.  It’s a mindset.  A lifestyle.  I know at this time of year, there’s the big fitness push, all the TV commercials, all the books on the shelves, all the talk is about getting fit and healthy, getting organized, getting out of debt, etc.  If you do choose to try and live healthier this year, I challenge you, don’t let it be a fad – do it for real this year.

 

I’m starting somewhere around 164 this year, last year I was 204.8.  Some resources I have found useful over the past year:

 

The book GOALS by Tommy Lanham – to step by step this book really helped  me set small attainable goals with a purpose… ones I can actually accomplish!  I can’t tell you what a difference this book has made in my personal journey.  It’s a short, easy read that has the potential to change your life if you let it.

 

A life coach – I have worked with a life coach through most of this journey.  It really helps me stay on track when I know that each week, I have someone asking me, “How’d you do this week?”  “Did you do your 5 workouts?”  “What do you feel you need to do this week?”  My life coach has helped me focus on what’s important and the REASONS I have to lose weight.

 

A sponsor – I have a dear friend of mine who has lost so much weight.  She understands it – she “gets it.”  She didn’t have surgery, do fad diets or starve herself.  She understands how much of an addiction this can be and howhard it is.  I can call her in the middle of Kroger with 2 boxes of HoHo’s in my cart and she will tell me to walk away… ask me how I know!!  🙂  She will be 100% honest and even though she’s 10 hours away, she will kick my butt if I don’t stick to the plan.

 

www.MyFitnessPal.com – this is a website I have been using to track my food intake, count calories and connect with others who have the same goals I have.

 

I have not been doing my devotions and reading my Bible like I should over the past few weeks.  The hustle and bustle of the holidays has gotten me off track spiritually and I really do believe that when I’m off spiritually, every other aspect of my life suffers, including the weight issue.  I’m starting off tomorrow with 3 new books.  Made to Crave, the Made to Crave devotional and The Maker’s Diet.

I’ll keep you posted on my opinion of these books.  I do want to encourage you to read, educate yourself and challenge yourself.  If you immerse yourself in information about health & wellness, you’re much more likely to stick to losing the weight and making healthier choices.

 

Brian Tracy says “You are what you think about most of the time.”  If you think about how much you miss those doughnuts or those sweets, that’s what you will focus on.  Instead, think about health, read about it, start your own blog about it, talk about it with your spouse, family members, friends.  Surround yourself with information and health and it will be a great start to this journey.

So, there you have it.  My renewed commitment to my health, my God and my blog.  🙂  If you want to receive a notification when I post a new blog (typically 2-3 times per month) then click on “Yep, I’m in, sign me up!”   Let me know if you’re on the same journey and let’s cheer each other on!  God bless you this new year!

 

I won’t go back.

I’m ashamed to admit that since October 11 (about 4 weeks ago), I have gained 5 pounds.  😦  My workouts haven’t been as intense or regular, halloween happened (thus a house full of candy) and I entertained quite a bit (a house full of yummy homemade goodies).  I am struggling with fear.  The entire time I’ve been losing this weight, my mind keeps telling me “Oh, I hope I don’t gain this back.”  I am very fearful.  So when I got on the scale on Oct. 11 and it said 153.8 (the smallest I have been since way before our wedding day 11 years ago), I thought “Okay, I’m so close!  I just hope I don’t gain it back.”  See?  My brain is setting me up for failure.  Zig Ziglar says “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are usually right.”  It’s a mind game.

Last week, I ran laps around our church gym.  I made myself chant to my steps “I won’t go back, I won’t go back, I won’t go back” for 11 laps.  I came home and read my journal and all my past blogs.  I wont’ go back.  I’m reading some of the books that had an impact on me early on in this journey.  I won’t go back.  I am journaling again and am finally starting to regain some self control.  I won’t go back.  I am haunted again by the reality that for me, this is a disease, an addiction that I must not let get the best of me.  I won’t go back.  When I walked by the candy bowl after halloween, I literally could not keep my hands out.  I would eat 12 candies before I ever realized what I was doing.  Then I would feel guilty.  Then I would want more because I felt guilty.  Do you see the crazy cycle?  I won’t go back.

So, instead of waiting until I got back down to 153.8 again to start blogging, I decided I wanted to be open and real about this struggle.  There may be someone else out there that has gained back after some loss.  Granted I am pleased that it’s only a 5 pound gain.  While 5 pounds is very hard to lose and it is devastating, it’s not nearly as heart breaking as having gained all 50 pounds back.  Oh, I won’t go back.

We got a new DVD/VHS player this week.  Ours was toast.  The VHS player (we had 2 separate machines) tried to eat our friends’ movie they let us borrow.  I finally bonked it on it’s head to see all the lights light up momentarily and then it died a forever death, never to be resurrected again.  My husband took the thing apart and finally got the movie out of it but there were pieces all over the living room floor.  I know it sounds crazy but I feel a lot like that VHS player.  I am to the point of not really working (out) all that much and when I do, I don’t put forth my best effort.  I feel like I need that bonk on the head – I’m at the point where that bonk can make all the lights come on again and I realize where I am and what I need to do to start working again before I die that forever death.  I need to be taken apart and re-assembled.  I won’t go back.  That’s why I’ve gone back to the beginning.  I’m taking small baby steps and making better choices.  I won’t go back, I won’t go back, I won’t go back….

 

 

 

Please join me on this journey – I need your encouragement.  Click on “Yep, I’m in.  Sign me up!”  to receive email updates whenever I post (and I will start blogging more regularly, about once per week).  Feel free to leave comments and suggestions!  I need them!  God bless!

 

 

202 Sticks of Butter!

Most of you know I started this weight loss journey back on January 18, 2011 when trying on clothes in a Lane Bryant dressing room, my daughter very innocently says to me “Mommy, your legs are fat.”  That was my point – the point you’ve heard me talk about.  That point when I was miserable, I dreaded trying to lose weight A-GAIN and was at my rope’s end.

I came home that day and cried, felt like hitting a brick wall with my fist and wanted to collapse in the floor with a big box of chocolates.  That would’ve really helped the situation, right?  I decided to make some changes, a little at a time.  In the past, I thought I just didn’t have enough will power.  I had tried all the diets, all the trendy tricks.  But this time, something made me look at my eating habits as an addiction (for me, it was), a disease I needed to fight.  I studied the Alcoholics Anonymous model and put some of the practices to work in my situation.  I immediately contacted a life coach to meet with on a weekly basis to set small, attainable goals and to hold me accountable.  I also found a sponsor – a woman who had gone through the struggles I was about to go through and came out on the other side.  I literally called her in the middle of Kroger one day because a recipe I was making called for 2 boxes of Ho-Ho’s and I knew there would be leftovers.  I wasn’t sure I could handle that.  In fact, I was trembling.  God bless Terri – she kicked my butt and helped me decide to not even make that recipe.  “Walk away from the Ho-Ho’s!”  🙂  It’s been amazing what a difference of having partners through this has made.  I know that if I screw up, my coach and my sponsor will come after me and make me explain my actions.

You have no idea what an accomplishment for me this is – to have lost 50 pounds!  The most I’ve ever lost my adult life is 7 pounds and that was before my wedding.  If you’re sitting at your computer thinking “I’m so proud of her but I couldn’t do that…” then you won’t be able to do it.  “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re usually right.”  -Zig Ziglar.  I’ve had to change my thinking before anything else started to change.  I’ve had to rely on God for a lot of strength.  On weeks I don’t do my devotions as regularly or stay focused on my time with Him, I don’t do well on the scale.  I know it sounds crazy.  I don’t care what you think.  I know my strength comes from the Lord almighty and I give him all the glory for this weight loss.  Cheesy as it may sound…

So, I stand before you today having made some lifestyle changes, a little at a time over the last 10 months.  It hasn’t been easy, I’ve worked for every ounce lost.  I haven’t taken any diet pills, I’ve not had surgery, I’ve not joined a gym, I’ve not joined Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.  I’ve made small changes to become more active and I’ve educated myself on what I eat.  Did you know that one, ONE whole wheat Pillsbury Grand’s biscuit is equal to 14 slices of whole wheat toast WITH JELLY?  Just learning stuff like this helps me make better choices.

I weighed in this morning at 153.8 pounds.  I began 10 months ago at 204.4 wearing size 20/22.  I’ve lost 50.6 pounds, the equivalent of 202 sticks of butter.  I’ve still got some sticks I’d like to lose but all in all, I’m ecstatic with this loss.  Just think where I would be if I were still at miserable and at my rope’s end.  I’m so glad God gave me the strength to make the changes and take the steps to get here.  It was a journey well worth it.  I look forward to continuing this journey.  Follow along by clicking “Yep, I’m in!  Sign me up!” if you want to get email alerts when a new blog post goes up (usually about once per week or less).  I’d love to get your feedback and hear your stories.

Focus

Focus.  It’s not just a car that Ford makes.  🙂  When you focus on something, it becomes important in your life.  That’s why it is essential to have a goal.  It gives you something to focus on.  I once heard a motivational speaker ask “If you go hunting and you see a field full of deer, do you just randomly shoot hoping to get lucky or do you pick one, focus on it and shoot?”  Any hunter out there will tell you your chances of killing a deer are next to nothing if you try to shoot them all.  You’ve got to have focus.

When I first started this journey on January 18, 2011, I weighed 204.4 pounds and was physically and emotionally miserable.  I chose to focus on my weight and becoming healthy again.  I read books that educated me on nutrition (not silly fad diets), I joined www.myfitnesspal.com and educated myself on calories and exercise.  I began working on setting goals, developing healthy habits and making a plan with my life coach, Brian Osher.  I began to move more and eat wisely.  I weighed in every week and blogged weekly about my experiences as the weight began to come off.  Choosing to focus on my journey was as big a decision as committing to eat healthier and start exercising.

I weighed in this morning at 155.4.  To date, that is a loss of 49.0 pounds.  I have so much more energy, I feel fantastic (most days) and my health issues (especially the digestive issues) have all but disappeared.

I’m going to risk sounding negative here but I want to share something.  When people see me and notice the weight loss, they often ask “How did you do it?  I really need to do something about my weight.”  When I tell them (often to their disappointment) that I am eating healthier and exercising, you can almost see them mentally change the channel.  I get excuse after excuse as to why they can’t change their diet:  “My husband likes fatty foods and I don’t want to cook 2 different meals for us every night.”  “I have a hurt (insert body part) and can’t exercise.”  “I just can’t find the time to exercise.”  You know what?  That only tells me that they don’t really want to do something about their weight.  Zig Ziglar says “If you really wanted to be something different than what you are, you would already be making the changes to become what you want.”  You’ve got to get to “That Point.”  If they’re not to that point, I can see why they tune me out.  So forgive me when I answer the “How did you do it?” questions with a quick but polite answer.  If you really want to know more, ask for more details but I won’t offer them.  I’ve been tuned out too many times.

My weight loss has not been easy – I have often equated it to the disease of alcohol addiction, only my disease is food addiction.  When I stopped making excuses, God blessed my efforts and has been faithful.  I know it sounds absolutely crazy but when I lag behind on my devotions or find myself lacking in my prayer life, my weight tends to go up.  I honestly believe that losing weight is as much a physical endeavor as it is emotional, mental and spiritual.

Do you find yourself offering excuse after excuse?  Don’t wait for New Year’s – start now – start tonight.  “If you’re going to make a real and lasting change, you must make changes immediately and enthusiastically!”  – Tommy Lanham

Make this a focus and do something for yourself, the Lord’s temple, your children’s parent, your parent’s child, your spouse…. stop making excuses.  Click on “Sign me up” at the right hand side of this blog & join me as we go through this journey together.  I need you – I need your support and your success stories and your “I just ate a bag of Ding-Dong’s” stories.   Commitment is a balance between formula and freedom.  Let’s be free together!  Come on, we can do this!

 

That Fat Girl

Tonight as I was preparing to play softball with our church softball team, I began to have flashbacks of that fat girl in elementary and middle schools that was always picked last.  And when I got forced onto someone’s team because I was the last person in line, I played pitifully.  Those flashbacks made me apprehensive about playing.  All the insecurities of that fat girl came flooding back.

I found out tonight that it’s not enough to change your body and lifestyle but you’ve got to change your mindset.  I was dressed in the most athletic thing I could find (a pair of 1 size too big denim capris and a red tank top) standing in my living room behind my kids on the couch watching Electric Company.  The characters on the screen were singing about taking chances, take a step forward and get in the game even if you are scared.  Wow – isn’t it cool how God can speak to us in any number of mediums?  As I stood there, I felt my confidence building.  Then my daughter, suddenly realizing I’m in the room, turns and says to me, “Mommy, you look absolutely magnificent losing so much weight!”  She came over and hugged me and told me I used to be so big and now I’m so little.  Thank you God for that little messenger giving me your message of encouragement.

Many of you have asked why I haven’t blogged the past 2 weeks.  It’s not that I’ve lost motivation or gained any weight.  We were out of town last week at the North American Christian Convention where I served as the Student Convention Photographer and had no time to write.  This week, I suffered a bout of the 24 hour flu.  And let me tell you, it was awful.  I went outside on a day when the heat index was 115 degrees in my sweat suit with my bathrobe on to warm up.  So the answer is – No, I’ve not gained any weight.  I’m still motivated, still working out and discovering great ways to change my diet to healthier choices.  I’m reading a great book by Tosca Reno that I highly suggest.  It’s a practical guide to eating clean and includes foods we actually will eat.

I weighed in this week at 160.0 – a loss of 2.4 more pounds.  That’s a total of 44.4 pounds lost since January 18, 2011.  🙂  I’m 10 pounds from my first goal of 150.  It’s amazing the new person I am becoming.  I’m more confident, more active, have tons more energy and a much more positive outlook on life.  Can’t wait to see what Goes does next!

Stupid Burger…

I met my goal for last week’s weigh in!  I weighed in at 164.4 – exactly 40 pounds lost since this journey began 22 weeks ago on January 18, 2011.  I feel like that’s a pretty significant accomplishment.  My struggle now is to not let that number satisfy me.  I’m still in size 14’s (although they are becoming more lose every day) and have quite a bit of extra padding  around my middle I want to see gone.  I have 14.4 pounds to go until I get to my first goal weight of 150.  Then we’ll see how I feel and where my body wants to go from there.

For some reason, I have been craving burgers.  Not just any burger, I want the really, really bad for you one:  McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger.  I’ve craved it for about 2 months now but was able to curb that desire with my own homemade healthier version.  This week, I had a Boca burger (fantastic, by the way) with Veggie Swiss Cheese, Morning Star Farms Veggie Bacon on a whole wheat bun w/ lots of veggies.  Tasted fantastic but I woke up the next morning having dreamed about that Micky D’s Cheeseburger.  Pretty bad when you’re DREAMING about food, right??  I have been eating lots more junk the past week and in my mind, I thought it might be because I wanted this burger so bad.  I decided it would be better to go just ahead and eat that stupid burger before my entire waistline pays for the deprivation I’m putting my body through.  🙂

So Saturday was the day.  I went to a homeschooling convention and my husband and children stayed home (a rare day out by myself).  After the convention, I drove to the first McDonald’s I could see.  Those golden arches might as well have been the gateway into heaven as far as I was concerned.  My mouth began watering at the sight.  I pulled in the parking lot, took a deep breath, picked up my Tosca Reno Clean Eating for Family & Kids book (Is there no end to my hypocrisy?) and headed to that oasis of grease and cheese on a bun…..

When I walked in the door, there were over a dozen people in line (one register open) but I didn’t care.  My children weren’t waiting restlessly in line, nobody was hurrying me to get to the next event on our schedule, so I just stood there.  And waited.  And waited.  While I was waiting, and waiting…. (and waiting)… I started noticing the things around me I don’t typically notice.  Out of the 12 people in line, 3 seemed to be a healthy weight.  The other 9 were overweight or even obese.  The workers behind the counter seemed to hate what they were doing and drudged about watching the sea of frustrated sharks waiting for their grease on a bun with eager anticipation…. to get out of there.   Then I noticed the signs advertising their food.  One board advertised a breakfast menu “Each under 300 calories” and right underneath, a sign advertising their Rolo McFlurry along with the loaded with sugar smoothies.  The images were of healthy, well dressed people enjoying this nasty processed stuff they call food.  They really know how to make that stuff look appealing.  No wonder our culture has such a backwards view of food.

By the time I waited over 20 minutes in this environment for that burger I’ve been craving for 2 months, that burger looked a lot less appealing.  I paid my $1.06 and headed out the door (I got it to go).  I get to my van, turn on the A/C, take a deep breath as I thank God for this “food” – I didn’t dare ask him to bless my body with nourishment from this thing – and opened up that beautiful golden wrapper.

…………………………TO FIND THE WRONG ORDER!……………………   they gave me a single.  😦

I have not been waiting for 2 months to enjoy this “treat” to get jipped into enjoying only 1/2!  So you know what I did??  That’s right, honey, I went back.  Only this time, I didn’t enter that sea of sharks (there were at least 14-16 more people in there now), I decided to go to the drive through.  When I got the window, well….. (shaking my head)…. this is so sad….  here’s the conversation:

MCD – “May I take your order?”

Me –   “I just came in and ordered a plain double cheese burger.  When I got to my car, I opened it and it was a single.”

MCD – “So, do you want to bring it back inside?”

Me – “No, I just came from in there and saw the crowds so I drove to the window.”

MCD – “You got what you want, right?  You ordered  a single and got a double?”

Me – “Eh?  No, I ordered a double and got a single.”

MCD – “So you want to come inside and get the right order?”

Me – (wondering if this was a special needs worker) “Ummmm, no, I want to get it fixed through the drive through.”

MCD – “So what were you trying to order?”

Me – (Are you kidding me??) “I ordered a plain double cheeseburger and got a single.”

MCD – “How many burgers did you get?”

Me –  “One.”

MCD – “So you got what you ordered?”

Me – (really trying to remember to be kind) “No, I ordered  a plain double cheeseburger and got a single.”

MCD – “So what do you want me to do about it?
Me – “Fix the order and give me a double cheese burger?”

MCD – “How many pieces of cheese do you want on it?”

Me – “I don’t care, whatever usually comes on a plain double cheeseburger.”

MCD – “How many burgers do you want on the bun?

Me – “What??  I want 2 burgers with cheese on 1 bun… the stuff that usually comes on a plain double cheeseburger.”

MCD – “Okay, ma’m, please drive around.”

When I drove around, she told me my total was $4.  When I told her I was the one with the messed up order, she looked at me very confused and asked me why I came through the drive through and didn’t go inside the store.  ****GRRRRRRR****  I seriously am not a violent person but THIS is what was going through my head:

Needless to say, by the time I got my plain double cheeseburger 33 minutes after I walked in the door, I was frustrated and ready to just eat the thing.  I tried taking a deep breath and enjoying it.  It was not hot, it only had one piece of cheese on it and the bun was stale.  ugh….

Stupid burger…..

Goin’ Camping & Canoeing!

You would’ve NEVER seen me going on a camping trip before I lost that weight.  We are also going canoeing the first of next week….  yep… ME!!  Isn’t that crazy?  Just wanted to share.  Losing that weight has not only changed my body but it’s changing my mind and spirit. 

Also wanted to share real quick about a program I’m testing for a software developer.  You know how I shared with all of you about www.myfitnesspal.com and how it’s helped me TREMENDOUSLY in losing weight?  Well, I wanted to share about another site: www.ProductiveBalance.com.  This site has really taken the stress factor out of my life.  If I have 4-5 things to do on my list for today, I put them in order of prirority (by assigning points) and linking them to my core values (which Productive Balance helped me set up, too). At the end of the day, I can see where the things I checked off as accomplished affect my life as a whole.

Example: I put 15 minutes with each kid (I call them Mommy Minutes) each night as an action item on my to-do list and attach it to my core value of
“family relationships.” At the end of the week, I can look back at how much I worked towards building up that core value and which values I have neglected.
Helps me figure out where to spend more time to maintain balance.

I also homeschool & am setting up sessions (to-do lists) for each of my kiddos to keep them on track.  It’s highly recommended for kids with ADD/ADHD, too.

Productive Balance has been great in my weight loss journey. I add my workouts as high priority items and if I miss them or half way do them, I see
that on the charts and I know where I need to focus in the future. Fantastic tool. If you’re interested in trying it – try it free for 2 weeks and tell them
Tammy Lanham sent you, you’ll receive a special offer. (I know…. I carry that kind of clout!! HAHA!!) If nothing else, it’ll really help you develop your core
values. We’ve all got them but most of us have never written them down and really looked at them.  I was leary about the $8 per month but once I started
using it, I found I would pay 2x or 3x that, now.  It’s been fantastic.  Just wanted to share.

Have a fantastic weekend…

God bless!

 

Heck yeah, I bought it!

So last week, I was given the challenge of living through my very first weight GAIN since I began this journey 21 weeks ago on January 18, 2011.  I gained 2 pounds over the previous week.  So here are some of my lessons learned:

– My body does not respond well to stress

– Stress is evil

– I hate stress

and

– Stress messes with my weight

So all in all, the lesson I learned is: AVOID STRESS!  I’ve discovered this amazing stress-reducer of a website called www.ProductiveBalance.com    It’s a fantastic website application that helps me prioritize and really helps reduce stress.  If I have 4-5 things to do on my list for today, I put them in order of prirority (by assigning points) and linking them to my core values (which Productive Balance helped me set up, too).  At the end of the day, I can see where the things I checked off as accomplished affect my life as a whole.  Example:  I put 15 minutes with each kid (I call them Mommy Minutes) each night as an action item on my to-do list and attach it to my core value of “family relationships.”  At the end of the week, I can look back at how much I worked towards building up that core value and which values I have neglected.  Helps me figure out where to spend more time to maintain balance.  Productive Balance has been great in my weight loss journey.  I add my workouts as high priority items and if I miss them or half way do them, I see that on the charts and I know where I need to focus in the future.  Fantastic tool.  If you’re interested in trying it – try it free for 2 weeks and tell them Tammy Lanham sent you, you’ll receive a special offer.  (I know…. I carry that kind of clout!!  HAHA!!)  If nothing else, it’ll really help you develop your core values.  We’ve all got them but most of us have never written them down and really looked at them.

Back to the weight loss – I have had some non-scale victories this week.  You know those size 14’s I was tickled about getting into 3 weeks ago?  Well, they are loose and 2 or 3 pair of capri’s have already gone into the “too big” pile.  I went to JCPenney’s and found a dress I absolutely LOVED.  It was purple polka-dotted, fitted and gorgoeus!  Best of all?  It was a SIZE 12!!!!!  Holy cow!  Heck, yeah I bought it!  It was on sale AND I had a coupon for it!  🙂  Here’s a pic but soon I’ll post a pic of ME in it.

Did you know the non-plus size clothing sections at JCPenney are HUGE!  I’ve never in my life seen so many clothes I could actually fit into!!  Seriously folks, I’ve been shopping in the plus sizes since high school.  I honestly had to ask the sales associate what was the difference between the women’s sizes, plus sizes, misses sizes and juniors.  When she showed me all the sections that contained my size, I about fell over.  Honestly, it was overwhelming to see the choices I had.  I always thought I had a good variety to choose from in plus sizes but this was crazy!!  And this is personal so men, skip this line…. I got fitted for a bra and went from a 44 to a 36!  I haven’t been in a 36 since 10th grade!

This week’s official weigh-in:  165.0 – yeah!  I’ve lost 39.4 pounds and I’ve got 15 more to hit my goal weight of 150.  🙂  We’ll see if I’m ready to stop there or if my body keeps going.  That’s the great thing about this – I’m  not on a diet.  I’m changing my lifestyle.  The weight will stop where it will……….

My goal for next week is to exceed 40 pounds lost.   I think that’s very doable.   Wanna see if I reach it?  Go ahead & sign up to follow this blog by clicking “Yes, I’m in!  Sign me up!” on the right hand side of this blog and then go visit Productive Balance and get organized!  🙂

It’s Not Failure…right?

I feel like I’ve done pretty well on controlling my eating habits and not eating when I’m emotional.  But apparently, from the results of the weigh in today, something went wrong, right?  I’m not sure.  The more I get “into” this weight loss thing, the more I am learning it’s a science, a passion, a lifestyle, a struggle all rolled up into one.  I’m not sure it’s anything I did “wrong” but it may be that my body is just not responding right now.  I let Jillian Michael’s almost destroy me so you’d think that would be very helpful in my weight loss journey.  Wrong – that’s where the science comes in.  I worked my muscles hard this week and after some research, I found out that your muscles hold on to water when they’ve been worked so hard.  The water apparently helps muscles in the healing process.  And guess what?  Water adds to your weight… and this week, I’ve had other reasons I’m retaining water…. ugh.

So there you have it – this week’s weigh in is 170.2 – up 2 pounds from last week.  My first weight GAIN since I started this journey in January.  This is where the importance of my sponsor, Terri and my life coach, Brian come in.  They are vital in this struggle and they hold me accountable and won’t let me quit.  In the past, I’ve said stuff like “Well, I lost 30+ pounds, I fit in my clothes better.  I’ve done pretty good.”  and then I would slowly return to my old lifestyle.  I have a feeling that Brian and Terri won’t allow that to happen.  This is a change in the way I view food, the way I see life and how I take care of my body.  Honestly, I get a little irked when people comment, “Oh, you’re on a diet, aren’t you?”  IT IS NOT A DIET!  It’s completely different and I can never, ever see myself going back to the way I was living.  I’m fighting this addiction to food and I will fight it every day for the rest of my life… it’s not going to stop when I reach my goal weight.

My amazing friend Tanya Torp writes in her blog:

It has taken me a long time to get to this point.  I’ve stopped and started more diets and workout routines than the number of flavors at Baskin Robbins.  I’ve had at least 6 die hard workout buddies who claim to have the same goal of  seeking a healthy lifestyle  as me quit faster than you can say “Pastry sale at Magees Bakery”.  One by one they offered accountability and partnership and as soon as I really started to lose weight and hit my stride…they decided perhaps this “workout” thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.  Not one of them is exercising to this day.  I have allowed myself to even use them as an excuse for not getting healthy. “Poor me.  I can’t exercise without an accountability partner so I might as well do nothing”. Yes, it really does sound lame written out like that doesn’t it?

So, why do I do it if  I dread it?  Why bother working out at all?  I come from a family plagued by obesity.  I grew up watching my mom try every diet and exercise program available from eating only hot dogs and cabbage for one diet, to some soup only menu thing that smelled awful, followed by the  Atkins craze, SlimFast, and Weight Watchers.  I saw her succeed with Jazzercise only to end up right back in the same cycle that I have learned to perpetuate.  Get excited, get dedicated, practice extreme discipline, get bored, get busy, and fizzle out.  Guilt.  Shame.  Giving up completely. And then, we begin all over again.  But, I want something different this time.  I want to live without the diabetes that is breathing down my back begging permission to access my body while holding a sign saying “But, I run in your family.  It’s only a matter of time”.  I want to have babies and run and jump with them.  At 36 years old,  I am careening into my 40′s  never having worn a bikini in my life .  I want to walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.  And, as much as I dread the idea of what my husband calls “real camping”, he adores it and I want to share it with him…peeing in the woods and all .  I’m no “sissy” so-to-speak.  I have survived Africa and all manner of living situations.  I just happen to think it is not a crime to be comfortable when camping.  A nice KOA with some port-o-potties, a blow-up bed, perhaps some showers.  Is that too much to ask? Well,  it’s not “real camping” to hubby until compasses, survival skills, and leaves are involved.   But, huffing and puffing up some obscure mountain kinda takes the picturesque romance right out of the whole thing.

I’m going to tell you a big secret.  Fat people know they’re fat.  Or at least I should say we know “we’re” fat.  It is no surprise to us.  It is also no surprise to the 40 Billion dollar a year diet industry selling us miracles like some Snake Skin Oil salesmen in some old Western.  They literally thrive on obesity.  Diet pills.  Diet meals. Exercise equipment most people in their right minds know will never work.  But, desperation breeds blindness and before you know it some infomercial promises become hopes to be dashed.  Radio spots on popular stations offer us “Lose weight fast” dreams and millions of people fall for it a year.  The truth of why I get up early every morning is that the only thing that will work long term is slow consistency and that just ain’t all that sexy.  Eating less.  Eating more vegetables, fruits, and whole grains.  Burning more calories than you take in.  And, building muscle are slow and painful processes that net real results…in time. I do this because I refuse to believe a risky surgery is worth more than merely taking care of what God has already given me.  I do this because all of the excuses in the world have finally caught up with me and they want to hog tie me to the railroad track of heart disease, diabetes, or other debilitating diseases and I say “I don’t even think so sucka”!

To read more of Tanya’s amazing blog, visit:  http://thetorps.wordpress.com/2011/06/07/one-day-youre-gonna-run/

So, back to work…  going to a week of church camp where someone else will be cooking and I will have little time to exercise, journal or eat right.  Please pray for me…  I’ll be back in 2 weeks with an update!