I won’t go back.

I’m ashamed to admit that since October 11 (about 4 weeks ago), I have gained 5 pounds.  😦  My workouts haven’t been as intense or regular, halloween happened (thus a house full of candy) and I entertained quite a bit (a house full of yummy homemade goodies).  I am struggling with fear.  The entire time I’ve been losing this weight, my mind keeps telling me “Oh, I hope I don’t gain this back.”  I am very fearful.  So when I got on the scale on Oct. 11 and it said 153.8 (the smallest I have been since way before our wedding day 11 years ago), I thought “Okay, I’m so close!  I just hope I don’t gain it back.”  See?  My brain is setting me up for failure.  Zig Ziglar says “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are usually right.”  It’s a mind game.

Last week, I ran laps around our church gym.  I made myself chant to my steps “I won’t go back, I won’t go back, I won’t go back” for 11 laps.  I came home and read my journal and all my past blogs.  I wont’ go back.  I’m reading some of the books that had an impact on me early on in this journey.  I won’t go back.  I am journaling again and am finally starting to regain some self control.  I won’t go back.  I am haunted again by the reality that for me, this is a disease, an addiction that I must not let get the best of me.  I won’t go back.  When I walked by the candy bowl after halloween, I literally could not keep my hands out.  I would eat 12 candies before I ever realized what I was doing.  Then I would feel guilty.  Then I would want more because I felt guilty.  Do you see the crazy cycle?  I won’t go back.

So, instead of waiting until I got back down to 153.8 again to start blogging, I decided I wanted to be open and real about this struggle.  There may be someone else out there that has gained back after some loss.  Granted I am pleased that it’s only a 5 pound gain.  While 5 pounds is very hard to lose and it is devastating, it’s not nearly as heart breaking as having gained all 50 pounds back.  Oh, I won’t go back.

We got a new DVD/VHS player this week.  Ours was toast.  The VHS player (we had 2 separate machines) tried to eat our friends’ movie they let us borrow.  I finally bonked it on it’s head to see all the lights light up momentarily and then it died a forever death, never to be resurrected again.  My husband took the thing apart and finally got the movie out of it but there were pieces all over the living room floor.  I know it sounds crazy but I feel a lot like that VHS player.  I am to the point of not really working (out) all that much and when I do, I don’t put forth my best effort.  I feel like I need that bonk on the head – I’m at the point where that bonk can make all the lights come on again and I realize where I am and what I need to do to start working again before I die that forever death.  I need to be taken apart and re-assembled.  I won’t go back.  That’s why I’ve gone back to the beginning.  I’m taking small baby steps and making better choices.  I won’t go back, I won’t go back, I won’t go back….




Please join me on this journey – I need your encouragement.  Click on “Yep, I’m in.  Sign me up!”  to receive email updates whenever I post (and I will start blogging more regularly, about once per week).  Feel free to leave comments and suggestions!  I need them!  God bless!




6 thoughts on “I won’t go back.

  1. Thanks for posting Tammy! I noticed I am going backwards myself the last few weeks and your post will encourage me to get back into my walking and watch those late night snacks! Hang in there!! You won’t go back!!


  2. Don’t go beating up on my friend! I’ll sooooooooooooo kick your butt! (Imagine all the calories I’ll burn while doing so!)

    That being said. I’ve always said it’s harder to lose the closer you get to goal and it’s harder to maintain than ANYTHING in this WORLD!

    That being said, do what I did. I enjoyed the candy (and did NOT feel guilty about it)! Remember all those emails back and forth at the beginning? Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy back in January? What is my fave candy bar, girlie!? What did I tell you I was *NOT* going to go the rest of my life without eating? That’s right. A Milky Way. My FB post about the zillion little wrappers? They were Milky Way wrappers. Again. I will NEVER say that I won’t EVER have another Milky Way.

    There is no avoiding Halloween. There is no avoiding Thanksgiving. There is no avoiding Christmas. STOP beating my friend up. This is the FIRST holiday season you’ve had to face since you have faced your addiction, isn’t it?!?!?!? Ok then! You haven’t done ANYTHING wrong! The only thing I will say is that there are things you *could* have done DIFFERENTLY. LEARN from this. Because? You’re NOT going to go back!!! YOU. ARE. NOT!!!!!!! Because, although it would burn some MAJOR calories for me to walk to KY to kick that fabulously smaller tushie back into shape, I’m kinda busy at the moment! ;P

    NOW. What do I mean by doing things differently? Well, odds are you faced Halloween as you always have. And in the past, you weren’t trying to lose the last bit of weight so candy being around wasn’t an issue. (I should have thought of this, I apologize, I know how hard it was for *ME* my first year!!) You want to know what I did my first Halloween ‘on the wagon’? I made Gary LOCK THE HALLOWEEN CANDY IN THE GUN CLOSET – A CLOSET I DO NOT HAVE A KEY TO! Desperate? YES! Effective? YES!!

    Suggestions. GET THE CANDY OUT OF THE HOUSE! Send it with Tommy on visitations through the neighborhood/church visits. Mail it to a college kid you know. Get the things that tempt YOU out of the house! I mail packages to military and/or college kids if I have addresses. The boys never miss it – I sort after they’re in bed and limit how much they get a day anyway.

    Enjoy the DAY!!! Not the MONTH! Halloween is a DAY. Thanksgiving is a DAY. Christmas is a DAY!!!

    Create OTHER DISTRACTING activities to do with your family!!! We discussed this. EVERYONE (my family included, until we decided to STOP – as a FAMILY) made the day about FOOD. NOT what we SHOULD have been celebrating.

    Thanksgiving, contrary to most people, is NOT about that HUGE feast! You know this. The past 5 years or so, after Thanksgiving dinner (all WW friendly foods and ONLY enough for the amount of people that typically come – no leftovers), we, as a family, take a walk in the woods (with blaze orange on). We clean up, then go for a walk. EVERYONE. My mom, the boys, my dad, my brother, anyone who wants to go goes. And? When the majority want to go, it makes the minority want to go, make sense? Take pictures. Talk. Enjoy. If you are entertaining, buy some of those inexpensive Glad leftover containers and SEND THE LEFTOVERS with the guests! INSIST! (Use old butter containers.)

    You’re married, so you have more than one Thanksgiving dinner to go to? More than one Christmas meal to attend? Take something for the young and young at heart to do! Help the kids collect pine cones, grab a jar of peanut butter, grab some birdseed, go outside and make the pinecone-covered-in-peanutbutter-and-rolled-in-birdseed birdfeeders. Hang them around the house. If you’re up for it, walk around the neighborhood CHRISTMAS caroling.

    Can’t get outside? Take a board game. Play cards. Make Christmas gifts. If someone insists you take leftovers with you, tell them thank you and trash it/feed it to the dog asap. They’ll never know.

    Appolonya knows how hard you’ve worked. Tommy knows how hard you’ve worked. Ask their help. They’ll come up with something! Go out and throw that disc thingy around.

    This is NOT a failure!!!!!!! This is a LEARNING opportunity! You’re gonna face these types of situations forever. NOW is the time to figure out how to deal with them. Appolonya and Dylan will see how you handle yourself in these situations and take them as lessons. You can SO do this! Look how far you’ve come!

    Also? NEVER. EVER. EVER. Wear elastic waist pants to a dinner celebration. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wear an outfit with a belt. That’ll help too. Drink a lot of water. It’ll help you feel full. Help clean up – put the food in a baggie for a dog – make sure it’s in there nasty so you won’t want to eat the kids’ leftovers. DO IT RIGHT AWAY so you can’t nibble.

    You will NOT go back! YOU. WILL. NOT. GO. BACK!

    Love you girlie!


  3. OH! OH! Another tip?! I almost forgot. When you’re done with the food, BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!! The ONLY thing that tastes good after you brush your teeth is water. Seriously. You’ll have minty fresh breath and the thought of chocolate or whatever after you’ve brushed will gross you out! Or at least it does me!


  4. Tammy, you are so wonderful!
    I am that 50 lb weight re-gain person, from pregnancy. It kills me, and I know that I could have gained less than that. I am looking at myself exactly where I was when I started losing weight in January of 2010!

    Terri, thank you for the advise, I was sooooo soooo sooo worried about the holiday coming up while trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy self.


  5. I’m sorry you are having to go through this, but you have awareness now that you didn’t have before (even if it takes a few minutes (or candies) to kick in). I feel your pain and understand the cycle you are stuck in. I wish you strength to endure. You are on the right path in thinking positively but you can step it up a little too. Instead of saying “I won’t go back” (a definite improvement over I hope…) start telling yourself “I’m NOT GOING back” or something similar that shows a present action. Won’t go back is still showing a little room for doubt. We know all too well that wherever the tiniest seed of doubt can land it WILL sprout a tree.

    Keep you head high and keep on doing what you’re doing. I think all in all after all the ways you undid your journey so far in October, you’ve done really good in not gaining it all back. 5 lbs while no small number when it comes to weight, is really not that big in the larger picture. Keep you head in the game and your hands in your pockets 🙂



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